Easter Sunday

Finally the 40 days of abstaining from meat is over. I actually managed to do it, for forty days i didnt touch or eat any kind of meat. I was on a vegetarian diet and it wasnt that bad. I manage to do it even with my friends and family memebers having meat for meals all the time. At times my mum would forget and cook something for me with meat in it and i just manage to resist the temptation and dont eat. But somehow i dont feel as good as or dont feel like ive achieved something by doing eat. Although i did it for a good cause.

Anyways had dinner on sunday where family members and some of the inlaws came over. Wasnt very chatty with any of them, maybe because i havent been around much to talk about stuff. Somehow everyone who saw me kept asking me wether i was ok and if i needed to talk i can talk to them. Felt weird.

My aunt from America called and finally after nearly 8 months i manage to talk to her. She did the same thing, asked if i was ok and needed someone to talk to. She said when her husband visited and went back he told her that he noticed that i didnt talk much and that i was not my usual self. She talked to me and told me how her kids misses me and that they will be here next month. She said that they always talk about us here and cant wait to come down. I cant wait to see them as well. She asked if i was just saying that im ok or wether i really am ok. I dont know that answer myself. She asked if i was happy. And i told her the truth. That im not.

Sometimes happiness has been missing in your life for such a long time that you forget how it is to be happy. You forget the feeling of happiness in you. You see people around you happy and your happy for them but only wish it could be you being happy. I've lost the feeling of happiness and lost the feeling of joy in me. I can do stuff and make people happy which i always do, but i dont feel the same like before. Recently my cousin has been staying over and ive been buying for her gifts and bringing her out and playing with her and doing all sorts of things for her. Which dont get me wrong, i love to do but somehow the feeling is different.

I've yet to let anyone know how i really feel. No one that i know of who can listen and understand and advice. When i do find that person. It'll be good to be able to open up rather than keeping things all bottled inside.

From easter being a happy occasion of celebrating and being happy, only i can make it turn sour.